Driven

I am on an absolute and complete mission this Christmas - to not become Captain GrumpyPants by Dec. 25.  Christmas is busy for everyone so there's no pity to be sought here, but, sheesh, some years there is just so much to do that by Christmas morning all I want for Christmas is a nap.

Thus, "Operation Christmas Organization" was put into place for myself this year.  Think ahead, plan ahead, achieve, accomplish, arrange.

And as of today, I'm officially sick of myself.

Grin

Yup. 

Note to self:  JUST STOP IT.  Stop thinking!

I think I know what therapy I need tonight.....Season One, Episode Two of The Partridge Family.  I watched Episode One last night and reacquainted myself with the whole family, dog and Reuben Kincaid included.  My but that Shirley Jones looks barely old enough to have borne five children and she sure picked up 'millions-of-record-sales' singin' awfully fast.  All that in 23 minutes.  From a bank teller to a music star, driving her own bus to Vegas.  23 minutes flat.  Wow.  And I've been doing music for years.  I have yet to own a multi colored school bus capable of touring me and my family, complete with music instruments and a dog, all over the country.  I must be doing something wrong.

I do acknowledge that some of you (KELLY?) will probably have a little giggle at my expense.  A grown woman of the 21st century, still entertained by The Partridge Family!  Yes, I am a geek. 

You might also be interested to know that my personality swings on a wee bit of a pendulum.  I can be a confident public speaker/leader and yet the social scenario of attending a garage sale intimidates me to the moon and back.  There is no social situation more awkward than pulling up in front of someone's driveway, their garage door open, stuff spread out on their makeshift tables inviting me to peruse and purchase and make them happy.  I hate the whole scene, and could happily drive right on by....except I DO like a good deal and I DO like to see your junk.  I'd just like to do all that without you watching me and, really, I probably won't actually buy your junk and if I do, I just might offer you more than you're asking, I'm kinda funny that way, too.

My personality quirks know no bounds - my house is often chaotic and cluttered.  However, when taking an egg from the egg carton in my fridge, there is an absolute order in which to do so.  The first egg should be removed from the front row of the back two eggs.  The second egg should be taken from the front row of the first two eggs, thus creating a perfectly balanced carton at all times.  None of this willy nilly egg selection for me in my house.  Everything (in my egg carton) has its' place.

Getting back to my Partridge Family watching quirk, I can get quite melancholic about things from the past that hold strong memories for me.  For the longest time, the theme song to the Mary Tyler Moore Show could easily induce a lump in my throat simply because it reminded me so much of watching TV in a little farmhouse in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by my parents and sister.

Perhaps the egg carton isn't the only thing in danger of being slightly off balance.

So much sorrow here lately, this year even.  Five of my Facebook friends have departed from this world in 2013.  I'd give a lot to have them back. My melancholy pops up over this fact a lot too.  Some days I struggle not to live in fear that I'm the next one - that my headache is the sign of something more serious, that my kids in someone else's car outside of my careful watch is a sure recipe for a major (and I mean MAJOR) disaster, that my drive to get my Christmas things done means that I'm banking my resources so that when calamity strikes Dec. 12 (or thereabouts?) I'll be 'ready for it'.

If only I could carefully control every event so that nothing goes all willy nilly, like the well arranged eggs in my carton.

Seems, though, that as Janet would say about many things in life - "it is what it is" and it's probably best if I just settle myself down and live in the moment.  And if a little Partridge Family helps me find my balance, then it shall be so.  ;)

When Janet died Feb. 1, I had this compulsion to create something in her honor.  I had to do it and I had to do it in the moments of my fresh grief.  Given that her death didn't follow her recent life pathway (she died in a car accident, having recently beaten cancer) - my mind went to lessons that I had learned from her during her fight against cancer.  The word COURAGE shouted through my mind and I put my heart and hands towards creating this little thing in her memory.  I knew right away that it would go on my Christmas tree this year and that it will be part of our annual sentimental Christmas tree tradition for as many years as God gives me to honor and remember her. 

As if I could forget.

I initially stitched the words in honor of how I saw her face her cancer battle - with great and deep courage.  Not to say that she didn't have fear - I know that she did.

But I've come to realize that this would probably be her word TO ME too.  If she could whisper one last thing into my ear, I'm quite sure that she would tell me to carry on; that in regards to my sorrow - "it is what it is"-you-can't-change-that-so-keep-moving-on.  So even in my moments where I just simply haven't wanted to move on, I've known that the best way to reflect Janet at her best would be to find some courage and keep walking.

So, as I look to finish up the year 2013 in one short month, I guess I've come to realize that life is seldom balanced.  Some upsets are easily righted by a little escape into retro TV or can be manipulated by establishing some crazy sense of 'eggs-in-the-carton' order......and some upsets are not easily righted at all and require a great deal of courage and time to face.

....and it was Janet who reminded me, only a couple of years ago, to aim to have PEACE at Christmas....

And so I shall, Janet.  So I shall.