There's a mental picture that you wish you hadn't received.
I'm laid up today. But my mind is full and I've been in deep thought. For quite a few days, actually.
For whatever reason, I shot out of Christmas mode and into January in full on race horse style. The gun went off and I took off at a mind numbing pace. Maybe there's a down side to having a quiet Christmas! Energy for Jan. 1 and beyond!
There had been projects simmering on the back burner, projects that really couldn't be deemed as fun but necessary. You see, there's the Maureen-the-nurse person, but there's also the Maureen-the-music-director and Maureen-the-camp council member and Maureen-the-volunteer in addition to Maureen-the-wife & mother, Maureen-the-friend, Maureen-the-crafter. Etc.
Maureen-the-volunteer-with-many-hats-that-includes-most-of-the-above-Maureens decided that January was a good month to put the nose to the grind stone and get things done. And so I did.
Funny thing, that "get 'er done" mentality gets carried away on ya if you let it. One task leads to another task which leads to another and another and all of a sudden my days at home were filled with more things to do for everyone outside my home than I could keep up with. Then there's urgent and pressing needs that you have when you have a family. And I have a demanding job that seems to have demanded more than its fair share of me as of late as well.
I've been wandering around the house for days feeling overwhelmed with a resentfulness that has been circling me and I came up with this new mantra.
I am an unwilling servant of an unrelenting master.
I just felt like I had given myself away to a 'boss' that did nothing but demand more and more and I finally had had enough. ENOUGH!!
(Now before you get all "how could they" if you know where my volunteer commitments lie, please understand that my goals and tasks had been almost entirely at my own initiative. It's really my own problem. Not anyone else's.)
Regardless, here I sit. Lay.
I feel like I've lost something.
I've lost myself.
All I really want to do today is bake cookies for my family and tidy the house.
I've had enough of the unrelenting master. I'm an unwilling servant to the demands that roar outside my head. And I think that's healthy and I give no apology for giving myself a shake up.
That's not the end of the story.
There's a side of me that's not included in the "Maureen-the....." descriptor above.
And that's "Maureen-the-Christ follower."
Let me just say that when one is consumed with duties, tasks and to-do lists, there isn't much time for faith, meditation, prayer, reflection - things that give you fuel to keep moving. "Go go go" is incompatible with a quiet and open spirit. My brother in law just posted a statement that said:
"[Thomas] Merton once told me to quit trying so hard in prayer. He said, 'How does an apple ripen? It just sits in the sun.' A small green apple cannot ripen in one night by tightening all its muscles, squinting its eyes and tightening its jaw in order to find itself the next morning miraculously large, red, ripe, and juicy beside its small green counterparts. Like the birth of a baby or the opening of a rose, the birth of the true self takes place in God's time. We must wait for God, we must be awake; we must trust in his hidden action within us." – James Finley.
I think I've been like that small green apple, with it's daily agenda being along the lines of "get your duties done" with little regard for "grow in Christ, hear his voice. Ripen and become sweet and fruitful."
Bluntly put, I think that I/me/Maureen has been.....
An unwilling servant of an unrelenting Master
Jesus has been the Unrelenting Master. Watching me as I've worked hard to be productive, and yet neglecting to be fruitful in the things that matter to Him the most. Soul things. Things that actually fuel me so that I can be that productive go-getter that I want to be in areas that really do matter.
I've obviously been quite messed up.
And so, today, there is a pause in my steps. An awakening in my spirit. A reluctance to chase demands. I have......
A hunger for more and a need for less,
all in the same breath.
More of Jesus.
Less of me and my big ideas and plans.
More things done out of love for those (people not projects) who I am responsible for.
Less things done to suit the hunger of a needy expectation that really only exists in my mind.
More time praying.
Less time doing.
More time filling.
Less time robbing.
I'd like to say "wish me luck".
But what I really want to say is ..... please pray for me. And, Lord help me, I'll pray for you too.
|"...Pray that you'l live well for the Master,|
making Him proud of you as you work hard in His orchard."